Why

Why do certain commercials make me all weepy every 28 days or so?  (Well, I know the answer to that one…)

Why does something that should make me overly joyful make my heart ache, like reading so many blogs from online ‘friends’ who have been home a year and we started our adoption journey around the same time?

Why does something so easy, like adopting a child, (well I thought it was easy) end up so difficult?

I’m out of questions.  I’m out of answers.  I’m tired of waiting.  Then…..I think for a moment of the families adopting from China where the wait can be more than a couple years.  (I’m sure this is the case in other countries as well.)  I don’t know if that would be any easier.  At least I would have known from the beginning I wouldn’t be anywhere near done until some 24+ months in the future.  But starting out on this process I was going to adopt an infant from Guatemala where the process should have ideally been (from signing paperwork to flying home) 9 months, 10 if there was a hold up.  I was also told my child would be home around 4 months old.  I have now learned a) everyone seems to lie (they tell you what they think you want to hear) b) nothing is what you expect it to be and c) don’t get your hopes up.  I don’t want to live a cynical life where I claim to be ‘realistic’ when in fact I am being negative and sad.  But, I don’t want to walk around with rose colored glasses prancing through fields of daisies while life’s cruel realities are happening all around me.  There I go again.  I seem to easily make a blanket statement based on what I’ve experienced.  My challenge to you is – tell me something good that happened through the course of your adoption(s).  Should I be expecting more?  Should I just be grateful (honestly I don’t know for what)?  Should I just chalk this up to the trials and tribulations of adoption?  Should there be (or is there) some form of book that could or can shed some light on what to honestly expect?  Should I write said book?  I don’t know, I’m obviously frustrated and I have learned I do not like waiting.  I don’t think I want to change that about me.  I don’t see why a person should have to wait so damn long to complete a process especially when there are hundreds of thousands of children worldwide that need a forever famlily.  It’s a little wacky that the families completing China adoptions right now have to wait so long.  It’s a little off that so many of us have had an elephants gestation.  I guess today is just my day to be bitter.  Let me get it out of my system now so I can make tomorrow better.  May our tomorrow be better than today!!  Unfortunaly I don’t believe myself right now, so we’ll see.

New site I found

On a happier note I found a website I love.  It’s called CafeMom.  You can find local (and not so local) moms going through similar things as yourself.  I joined some adoption and fost-adopt groups.  In fact, that’s my login name FostAdopt.  I live in California, so if you care, check it out, it’s always nice to have support.

I hate forclosure

I have attempted to write this post so many times, so here it goes.  Our house officially went back to the bank on Monday.  That was the hardest thing I have done in a good couple of years.  I was the only one physically able to move all the left over items and I really was only able to do so much.  I am not the type of person to leave a house unclean and cluttered.  But I had to, we had to.  My mom and I packed what we could and then we left dishes, knick knacks, paintings, goodwill items, trash, broken bed frames and more.  If you’ve ever done it you know.  It was hard!  I cried.  Mainly for the loss(es).  So much bad has happened in that house.  My mom had her rushes to the emergency room, her illness, and her recoveries all happened in that house.  I was stressed financially and emotionally in that house, I took care of my grandmother in that house.  This was the house I was going to raise my children in and now it is gone.  So much devestation and I know I’m not the only one.  It’s still hard though.  I have now moved 31 times and I would like to be done for a while.  I have said this place I’m in now is my 2-year house. It would be really nice to actually get settled, be happy where I am,  raise my children and have it be in the same house.  Anyway, that’s it.  Life can be a bummer sometimes.

Well that didn’t hurt

My homestudy is done!  The social worker came by today and asked me a series of questions and in about 20 min. he was done.  He didn’t even walk through.  They do have a floorplan and layout and I filled out this huge 9 or 10 page questionnaire with my whole life story on it, but I was expecting so much more.  He said, “I figure if I can’t trust you then why am I here?”  I then said, “so I vacuumed my house for nothing?”  I guess so, but who cares.  He said he should have the homestudy done by this evening and worse case scenario by Monday morning.  I guess I now go back to the waiting game, but at least this situation is more hopeful than the rest.  I can’t wait to join mommyhood with the rest of you gals out there.

Sooo Sleepy

(Here is some background on this post, it may seem a bit disjointed without some  info.  Last year my mom got really sick and needed multiple surguries.  Because she was unable to work for months we lost our house, it now belongs to the bank and she needs to be out ASAP.  After tons of prayer a condo opened up right in the same complex as me and she (along with my grandma) can move in today.  I gave my notice to my clueless employer so that I can take care of my foster children, whoever they may be, and my last day is next Friday.  I will also have at least 2 other daycare children at home to help make ends meet.  This also gives me the opportunity to be super close to my grandma if her health takes another downward spiral.  I think that just about sums it up.)

The shear excitement of possibility has caused me to have an icky case of isomnia.  Over the last week, I have slept, maybe, a collective 20-25 hours.  I am so tired, but now I am moving my mom into her new place, so less sleep and more work.  Oh well, only one more week at my current job and I can catch up on some sleep.  I start doing home daycare starting the 13th(this will be nice). 

 After talking with the agency they clarified that the social worker who comes out does both the homestudy and the walkthrough.  It’s approximately a two-hour visit and then my certification will be complete.  I called again yesterday to let them know I wanted to schedule a date.  I know they are busy, but come on, it’s been almost a week.  What happened to the 3-day turnaround?!?  Aside from that I am nesting like a crazy woman and I don’t think you could find a dirty dish in my house if someone paid you.  I should go, on to more moving and then more dusting.

No more drama

At least for now.  My fingerprints cleared!  I know, super quick.  I just received a call from the agency early this morning.  The social worker will do a final walk through and then I need to clarify, because I think I have to wait for social services to do my homestudy, not the agency.  Either way, I may be done by the end of next week.  WooHoo.  My boss is still an idiot, but happily, I don’t care.  Off to finish nesting. 

 This sems to be the stage where I feel like I am drowing because there is so much to do and I feel time creeping up on me.  I want to have so much accomplished and maybe ‘perfect’ before I have child(ren) placed into my home.  I know that isn’t going to happen, but I’d like to try.  I am very excited about the unknown and I am quite hopeful right now.  I haven’t been truly hopeful in a while.  When I finally do get a placement I am going to be so darn exhausted because I have been up until 1ish every morning from excitement.  I guess that’s okay, I’d rather be happy, excited and tired instead of grumpy, well-rested and frustrated. 

Fingerprints are done (again)!

So after one visit to my local PD, a billing number for my agency that was to long, an hour and a half lunch yesterday to drive a quarter of a tank in gas away to a local jail where apparently they could do my prints, just to have them say the same thing (that I could pay for them myself, “it might cost a hundred dollars ma’am, since the billing number is wrong” , and today after an hour and 20 min. and a new gal at my local PD that didn’t know what she was doing…MY FINGERPRINTS ARE DONE!!!  And they only cost $49 bucks.  Now I wait for all clearances (again), and then my agency can plan a walk through and then schedule the social worker to come out for a homestudy.  Maybe all this will be done by the end of August and then I wait to be matched.
Today is a good day.  The sun is shining, my A/C works and only 8 more workdays and I don’t have to face my irritating boss anymore.