Funny things Korbin is saying this week:
He cannot say ‘cap’ when speaking of his sippy cup lid, so every time he refers to it he says, “I need a crap for this.”
Whenever I say to him, “I love you my baby boy”, he will respond, “I love you my baby mama.”
My boy is sure one funny little guy (who is growing like a weed). He is now 31.9 (depending on the meal) pounds and all his 2T pants are starting to look like high waters even though they are loose. Oh, the joys of growing boys.
Tired of this endless work, tired of my life as it is right now, tired of not enough long weekends, tired of fake friends, tired of lame guys, tired of so much.
Still love my kid and that’s about it.
On to some happy news. Korbin’s birth certificate arrived in the mail on Wednesday. And since I am his mom, maybe I now have an explanation for my stretch marks. 
Just read your own blog. Seriously, start at the beginning and so quickly you are in this life time machine where you are back on the same couch in that old house living and reliving those same emotions. All the ‘lost’ children and missed cases and maybe babies. All those, I almost had, and wouldn’t it be nice if cases. All those children in just a few years and I have my Korbin. It’s crazy because I don’t know what I would do if he wasn’t in my life. If things had gone differently and permanency would not have been the outcome for me I have no idea what land I would live in right now. I have learned so much during this journey, not only about the adoption system but about myself. I am one hell of a person and industrial strength strong. Anyone who years to hold their child in their arms without knowing what they will look like, how old they will be or even what race they are will get this. If you have every soaked your pillow with tears about a maybe or just because you had never wanted something so much in your life as to hold a child in your arms and call them your own will get this. Anyone who had their heart ache so much that it felt like it was going to come out of their skin because someone announced in excitement they were pregnant, or better yet, pregnant again will get it. For anyone who experienced the lowest lows and the deepest sadness loss could bring will get it. The journey is so worth it in the end but the path is so worn with sadness and effort and hurt that it seems like it will never truly be worth it even when others support your effort and tell you it will. For anyone who wants to know how much your heart can grow and hurt and love can just jump in with both feet and adopt. I doubt there is ever an *easy* path; I doubt there is every truly a *fast* path, I doubt there is a journey that does not take you to your wit’s end and back again; I know I am not the only one who has stressed about the maybes. I am so overjoyed and thankful I have this person in my life forever. This person that drives me crazy, makes me laugh until I cannot breath, makes me miss sleep like it’s life’s water, rush home just to see his face when I have been gone, and love him more than I thought it was even humanly possible to love someone. This person that is growing up every day. I have my son, the son I waited 3 years for. Three damn years! And he is here, and I am truly in some form of awe every day. I hope I never lose appreciation for the gift of my son that his (bio)mother has given me. I hope I raise this boy to add to society and not take away from it. I hope I am always thankful to be a part of his life and him a part of mine. I hope I am forever grateful for Korbin being Korbin and me being his mom, God, I never want to lose that.
And, yeah, if you ever need a good cry….just read through your own journey. It may not be in print, but relive those moments and see them for the lesson they ended up being, for the truth they taught you and for the inspiration they gave you to move, get up, walk, and learn the next day. I am drenched with my own tears right now. Each tear that falls carries its own history and story and emotion. I have experienced so little in 30 years and yet sooo very much. I cannot guarantee I will take this path again, but now that I can see remember where I have been can I truly see where I can go. I can handle anything! Nothing can break me indefinitely, nothing can hold me down for eternity, nothing can take me away from what I know I want and desire and need. When I know for sure I want to have a second I will be successful and I refuse to learn for another 3 years.
This is Korbin’s first trip to Vegas and aside from all the cigarette smoke, he’s having a lot of fun. We went to the movies for the first time yesterday and he did soooo good! I’m so proud of my little man. He was sure he was a big boy after that.
For the first time, I’m pretty sure, since Korbin’s come home we went shopping for clothes for MOMMY! Seriously, this kid has some many clothes and here I am rotating through about 12 shirts, a dress, 2 skirts, and pants for the work week. So Friday was the day I knew I was okay, fine, and happy blowing through a hundred bucks or so for clothes so I can bring some 2009 into my 1996 wardrobe. I decided to brave a woman’s clothing store with a two year old boy who had no toys and no stroller or otherwise restrictive device. So, this was quite interesting…I told Korbin that we were shopping and we were going to find Grammy some clothes too. As I picked out a couple shirts for my mom he was holding them to ‘help.’ As we moved to another turnstile of clothes there was a woman looking at clothes as well. As loudly as possible, Korbin says, ‘hey, that, that, that LADY is touching grammy’s clothes!!!’ Apparently we had put dibbs on the whole store and this random woman had the audacity to look and dare touch grammy’s clothes. The second funny was when I decided that I would actually try on the clothes and not just gather an unsaid amount, drive home, and hope for the best. As I try on clothes (with a very verbal little boy), he said, ‘hey, I wanna take my shirt off.’ After explaining that this store doesn’t have boys clothes, just mommy clothes, he was okay keeping his clothes on. I tried on a dress and Korbin said, ‘momma, now you can spin.’ You can tell he spends his day around 2-3 year old little girls who just want to spin. All in all this was definitely worth the trouble, ’cause mamma got some new clothes. WooHoo.
That was pretty much our morning today. I was so bummed to get back to work today but I was really glad I didn’t have to go in until later. That is until a certain someone had plans this morning. Let me rewind…Korbin fell asleep at 7:11 pm in the car on the way home from dinner last night and stayed zonked out until approximately 5 this morning when I heard a yelling down the hall of Korbin saying, “mama, hey, I’m aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhwaaaaaaake!’ I runstumble into his room and he says, ‘hey, mama, I’m waked up.’ I run him into the potty and I said, ‘baby, it’s too early.’ He said, ‘ummm, NO, it is not, it’s time for Ellllmo.’ I put on the cable demand channel and attempt to fall asleep in my bed. Yeah, that was a sad attempt at an additional hour. After Elmo, there were tears, but I knew he/I needed to get more rest. He finally fell asleep and then I popped up about 15-20 min later and had to weasel out of bed to grab my only possible moment at a shower. While drying off I hear the trash truck outside and the pitter patter of little feet in the hallway. I open the bathroom door to have Korbin say, ‘whoa, that truck is clooooose to me.’ I can’t help but smile, even though I would have happily given numerous dollars for an hour of peaceful, uninterrupted sleep. Oh well, maybe another day.
Today once Korbin woke from his nap I told him we were going to be visiting great grandmama. He was so excited and said, ‘yeah, she called me.’ When we got there (she is in a senior/nursing home) he loved being the cutest little man on campus. I think all the older people love his youth and energy. He seems to brighten so many of their faces I really should bring him more often. In between his all boy silliness I begin to ‘quiz’ him. My grandmother loves his little voice so it is so cute to see her response to his answers. I asked, how old are you (2), and how old am I (16), how old is grammy (16), and how old is great grandmama (16), who is my mom (grammy), and who is she to me- I point to my grandmother; Korbin’s response is, “I know your grammy’s great.” I almost lost it. Apparently he thinks we’ve given her this title of greatness and doesn’t so much get the multi-generational piece of it. I love this age sometimes!
So I am considering/researching which route I would like to consider for my second one. I’m thinking domestic placement for an infant. The thought of having a birthmother involved in my child’s life isn’t so scary anymore. I don’t know if that is the best decision, because, if I only have two Korbin would have no relationship with his bios and this second one would/could have calls, emails, and photos from his bios. Would he feel slighted by this, would he care, would he feel hurt, alone, left out? It’s the whole fear of the unknown. I want what is best for him and I don’t want him to feel one situation is better than the other. I know a lot of what he may feel would be determined by my take on it and how big of a deal I make of it or not. But still, I’m concerned with the what if and the maybes and the I don’t knows. All of this is up in the air until January so I have plenty of time to worry/think.
So that I’ll actually remember some of the cute things Korbin says, I have a funny saying update…so we are driving home from school/work last week and Korbin is having a mild freak out session about chocolate. (Why did I give in to the whole idea of one piece of chocolate on the way home?!?) So he’s asking over and over, and over, and over for another one chocolate and I said, Korbin! When we get home you can have another one, we are not home, we are driving right now. To which Korbin said, maaaaam, just ignore me. Really? I was speechless. This kid of mine is a hoot!
